echo chamber

hi. i wanted to write here but again, i feel like i don't really know what to say, so i'll talk about the blizzard that hit.

the blizzard started on sunday while i was at work. we ended up closing early which was nice... i got to go home while the snowfall was still pretty and nice rather than the torrential pour and crazy winds we got later. on the way to my station i had a semi-snowball fight with one of my coworkers.

i woke up yesterday morning with i think around 15(?) inches of snow outside. absolutely crazy... my classes were cancelled, and i didn't go into work. i don't even understand how they were open, however i do think my management is crazy half of the time so i guess it makes sense? but to be shrugged off when expressing concerns about safety is absolutely wild to me. i didn't do much of anything today. i really just slept all day, scrolled on my phone here and there between naps. absolutely nothing productive. it's too cold to go out anyway.

today my classes weren't cancelled but i skipped anyway. oops! with my trains being so messed up, and all of the snow, i found it hard to gather the motivation to get ready and go out so i didn't. i kind of wanted to go out and play in the snow (which sounds funny), but i don't really wanna go out... when i hole up in my place, it becomes chronic.

i like being snowed in, however i was severely unprepared. i barely have food at my place since i lacked the time to prep. time slips away quicker lately, i think. i ended up finding soup in the back of my pantry so that was my blizzard day meal. it didn't really look good, or taste that good, honestly it was unappetizing. but most things lately seem unappetizing, and that feeling stretches beyond food.

trying to stay warm!!! i have exams to study for but i really just want to watch a movie. we'll see what happens

currently, i'm in a class where my TA is talking about data sets and r studio... no hate to him, but it's just droning on in my ears and i can't focus much. his voice is white noise.

i find that a lot of the time, unless my emotions are quite strong, i don't really know what to write on here. i initially started as a way to get better with words. i'm not sure if i've succeeded. i think that for a long time i've struggled to put my emotions and thoughts and ideas into words on a page because i never think it sounds good enough. i don't know who or what i'm trying to impress by making it 'sound good', maybe it's a self-satisfaction thing, but i need to get over that.

i'll talk about my week so far. it's been okay at best, i think, just very mundane. my managers scheduled me weirdly at work this week so it caused me to have to readjust a lot. also, my professors are rearranging their schedules too... it's making a lot of things complicated. my first exams are coming up next week but i think it'll be fine. i feel like the first exam's class is something i'm strong in, and the professor likes me, so i'm not too worried.

i had a few good days this week though. i've already written about the new year, that was fun.

yesterday was surprisingly good though. i ended up finally playing games with someone i met a long time ago. we'd talked about it for a long time but never actually got to do it. it was so fun though, at a point we were just talking and it was really nice. he also still had a little shooter bottle (still full) i gave him from when we met which i thought was funny, because i wasn't expecting it, it was so long ago. we talked about playing more stuff and doing more stuff in the future which i honestly would like to happen!

being at the point i am right now, it kind of catches me off guard when people seek me out to hang out, or talk to, or become friends, or whatever. i've been very solo recently, which most times i can deal with, but i like when these things happen. i know i complain, but it's not even in some sort of pitying way, it's just how i view it realistically and i take it as it is. i feel like i've been doing something wrong when it comes to people as of late. it's hard, though, because i learn things and the root of the problem is always a lack of talking. it seems like people are allergic to communication. admittedly, i'm also kind of afraid to be excited about new people (& things/events other than that, too) because i feel like every time my hopes are up there comes a crash followed by a wave of disappointment. i hate that cycle. i guess i'm just trying to avoid that. but my heart is oftentimes louder than my head, and i can't help succumb to its ways of roping me in to what i feel. so i end up becoming excited, or happy, anyway.

i always ask for things to turn around or be better when a new situation comes along, but i'm afraid to expect much. i wrote about this before too, but i truly do have to take things day by day. sitting back and seeing how things go makes me nervous but i have to condition myself to do it. i fear i'll lose emotion, though, and i think feeling strongly (or, over-feeling) is a core part of me which makes it scary. but a lot of the time, i do think the whole 'feeling too much' thing is bad for me, so maybe it's a good thing? i don't really know.

we'll see how it goes. i feel like i'm floating.

its funny, because taking tonight as a concept, or at face value, you’d think it’d be good. but i feel so much upset, and so much “hate” (it’s not actually that— just a really, really sour feeling) that it makes it all feel bad.

i figured tonight would result in flakiness, which at that i hate itself so i was hesitant to start feeling on how tonight would go. but it didn’t, to my surprise, and i got to enjoy the music with someone i know.

however, though, it’s not someone i just happen to know. it’s someone who i put so much time and energy into. someone who was easy to talk to, whether it be noon, evening, or late into the morning where things feel more fragile and vulnerable. someone who i’ve felt, and tasted, and kept close to me and didn’t regret it. and yes, both of us enjoyed tonight, but i can’t seem to bring myself to look at their face and tell myself that’s all okay and normal, because to me it isn’t. how did you face me and act the way you did? did nothing phase you? at all? because when i saw you dancing, and when you grabbed me and stared in my eyes, i didn’t remember you as someone i barely knew, no, i remembered you as the person i saw with your lights off and curled into me. my arms around you and playing with your hair. someone i felt i knew so much, in such a vulnerable and comfortable position, but it feels wrong to see you like that anymore. i get it now, but i can’t say it doesn’t hurt at all.

i know my perfume is on your jacket. i hope the smell makes you think. with a sober mind, will you have anything to say? probably not, is what my mind tells me, but i can’t do anything about it, can i. supposedly there’s supposed to be a second round on sunday. but i dont know if i can handle that. i feel like i have no self respect and all i do is put myself in positions where i’m hurting my heart even though its the most sensitive part of me.

if my words seem weird or wrong it’s because im pretty drunk. i say i love being fucked up but it doesn’t do me any good.